December 25, 2003
'TIS THE SEASON... FOR ANOTHER BIG MERGER!
Continuing the trend of large-scale mergers, acquisitions, and strategic alliances, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah (also known throughout the world as ëHanukahí or ëHanukkahí) will merge. An industry source tells the Beli-Blog that the deal has been in the works for about 1,300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the over-head cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of CHANUMASS, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords-a-leaping and maids-a-milking being the hardest hit.
As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters of the popular Chanukah toy dreidel, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A Great Miracle Happened Here," the message on the dreidel will be the more generic, "Miraculous Stuff Happens."
In exchange, it is believed that the worldís ëchosen peopleí will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering gifts (an e-commerce component to the deal is still in the works). In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least 300 years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa, even after having eaten potentially Mad Cow disease-laden meat for dinner. A breakthrough came earlier this year when Oreoís were finally declared to be Kosher.
All sides appeared happy about this. Shlomo OíConnor, the newly appointed spokesman for CHANUMASS, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed have been seen as unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help maintain the competitive balance.
He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of, "Oy Vey Maria."
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DISCLAIMER: This article is satirical. Any use of real names of people, alive or otherwise, is purely accidental and coincidental. Christmas and Chanukah are not merging. The staff of The Beli-Blog would like to extend seasons greetings to all, and to all a good night (or whichever greeting is most appropriate given your time zone and geographic location). Copyright © 1999 or earlier - depending on who you ask - by Unknown or perhaps Nathanson, and adapted to work here.
Posted by Mikal at December 25, 2003 5:36 AM
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