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January 7, 2004
MY WELLBEING
Someone told me yesterday that they liked that they could use my blog to keep updated on my well-being. That got me thinking... there havn't really been all that many wellbeing-related posts recently (and, as you can tell, I'm confused on the spelling of well-being / wellbeing). But before I 'share' and get all tree-huggy on ya, let me tell you why it is that I choose to share some of the more personal things from my life in such an open and public forum.
I'm a firm believer in the notion that people have an 'already and always' way of listening and relating to one another, and that until we choose to transform our lives, which involves sharing 'what we're up to' with those who experience us on a daily basis, people are not very likely to change the way in which they experience one another, which possibly stands in the way of our own transformation. In my case, this means sharing 'what I'm up to' with as many people as possible. I not only choose to share that sort of info here because I want you to know what's going on in my life, but also so you'll support me and hold me accountable when I lose my way or stray off course. If what I'm up to in this world is a secret between me, myself, and I, realistically, who's gonna keep me honest? Me... well, sometimes yes, but not always. I'm honest enough with myself to know that I'm only human and that I can't go it alone (despite what that Quirkyalone test said about me :-)
Monday night is what I affectionately call "Fat Class" night -- the mandatory weekly educational session that's part of the weight loss program I'm in. For weeks now I've held the belief that I was different from the other people in my class. After all, all you have to do is look at them and you'd clearly see that I don't have their problems... they're morbidly obese, look to be in very poor health, and once you start to talk with them you learn that they take prescription drugs for diabetes and are compulsive eaters. That's not me. No way, no how. I got to be 50-60 lbs. overweight because when I moved from Colorado to Indiana I got a driver's license and a car, which meant that I'd stopped riding a bike or walking everyday to and from work. That's why I was so overweight... not because of my relationship to food or because of any compulsive eating habits. Not Me!
Well, guess what... that is me (not the morbidly obese or diabetic part, thank goodness), but definitely the part about having an unhealthy relationship with regards to food. As I wrote on the 31st of December, I cheated on my diet by eating nearly two DiGiorno pizzas, some cookies and soda, and a big-ol-fat Qdoba burrito. What I haven't told anyone, and didn't until last night's Fat Class, was that I didn't stop there. All last week, when no one was around at my office because of the holiday break, I went nuts... literally! I easily went thru nearly two one-pound bags of Peanut M&Ms, a whole bunch of caramel-coated popcorn, and a whole bunch more of chocolate-coated pretzels. But again, I didn't stop there. On New Year's eve I had a ton of bean dip, pasta, chips, and some soda over at my roommate's sister house while watching the movie Bowling for Columbine while waiting for the ball to drop in Times Square (great movie by the way, and I'm not just talking about Bowling for Columbine either; did you see how the special effects people are able to make Dick Clark look younger and younger every year... amazing!). Then, on Friday I ate a huge basket of French fries, and on Saturday I ordered a large Domino's pizza -- half of which I snarfed down that night, and half of which I inhaled on Sunday night, and in between I ate (shall we say) 'a few more M&Ms.' The binge finally ended this past Sunday evening when I convinced my roomie that we had to have more of those big-ol-fat Qdoba burritos.
My breakthrough (not 'breakout' mind you, in terms of a weight gain, because I exercised 6 out of that week's 7 days, burning a total of 6,800 calories) came during Monday night's Fat Class when: A. I owned up to actually doing all of this; and B. For the first time, with other people present, I admitted that I have a problem. What I quickly came to realize is that if I don't have a routine, chances are I might very well fail; and the routine since the beginning of October was one of unbeknownst co-dependency... unbeknownst co-dependency with the co-workers who saw me doing well and being solidly entrenched in the diet / program; unbeknownst co-dependency with the work-out partner who I didn't want to let down and who went out of town for the holidays; unbeknownst co-dependency with the roommate who saw me doing well and was in and out throughout the holidays; and even unbeknownst co-dependency with the people who read this blog and the people I worked with up at the mall during the holiday Santa photo shoot. In my mind, my daily interactions with all of these people and situations was a driving force in my success (over 50 lbs to-date, by the way).
Once the routine changed -- once everyone I thought I was being accountable to had left town -- that's when things went haywire. I now have no choice but to admit it... I'm a routine sort of guy; always have been, and to some degree or another probably always will be. Mess with my routine, take away the perceived accountabilities, and chance are that I may very well fall flat on my face like I did over the holidays. And food is something that I definately turn to for comfort when the routine changes! Will I drive miles and miles to get at the food... no, but I will eat most anything in sight, if it's around! When other people are around though, I seem to have the willpower to stay away.
Now, it's not all bad... in order to mitigate the damage, I did put in a tremendous amount of time at the gym; and I now know that I have a problem that is very much like what many other people experience, and I am doing something about it... so again, it's not all bad. But now is really not the time for patting myself on the back for being insightful or honest. Rather, now is the time to start being accountable to myself. Easier said than done, I know, but that's what I need to do. Why did I eat all of that food... because I was triggered into being lazy and because I gave in to temptation. Is that necessarily a bad thing? No, not if it's done in moderation. Could I have stopped it all on my own? This last time, obviously not. Am I going to kick myself in the butt for it? Heck no... that food was damn delicious! Am I disappointed in myself... sure, but I generally seem to do okay with disappointment. Oh, it might take me a few hours or a day or two to see the light, but I see that light because I know it's there.
So, what now? Well, to be perfectly honest, I'm not totally sure. I'll tell you this though... I am looking forward to those Monday night Fat Classes a lot more than before. Also, in addition to the resolutions I already shared for 2004, I'm adding cooking classes and reading up on co-dependency.
More soon, I'm sure. In the meantime, thanks for listening :-)
Posted by Mikal at January 7, 2004 5:04 AM
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That was A LOT of sharing there Mikal. (Hope my comment is not too long here.) If I didn't know you, I would say your doing your part by sharing and facing your own demons. It seems you are past the sharing and facing it part; which is always a 1st step in change (kinda obvious it's your Blog I'm writing on here and YOU DO Share...quite well and honestly I might add). You are facing some issues I have had to face (and probably every living soul...if they look deep enough) dependency on things, habits we have developed as coping mechanisms.
Mine are based on fear. I may look strong and seem to carry a big stick but I am not. Most people put up fronts to hide their inadequacies things put on us when we were very young... things we have to re-learn as we get older and confront. Often these "things" are situations we have lived through that have branded our inner self so deeply we don't know we are caring them.
I have a suggestion for you (one which you may already do/know): When you feel an urge to eat(or do a habit you want to change), write down(carry a journal with you everywhere) what you are FEELING. Do this for at least 21 days (that is the length of time patterns have statistically been realized). Be real in what you write, no one but YOU has to know. YOU do NOT have to blog it. Since you do write often and well, you know how to be in touch with feelings... I think. You might find after that time period a pattern. What physical feeling are you lacking that food is taking the place of. This is hard work to write down every feeling (physically mentally and otherwise). I would bet you will find something there YOU didn't know.
Smokers/Alcoholics/Drug Addicts and other people with dependencies have found that writing feelings down and then looking back, helps one re-learn and re-group. I have done this and it has helped. I have given my list to a professional councilor and I am still working on "feeling differently". I am proud of YOU! Most people in their lives NEVER get to where you are. Me thinks you will/have and can do great things... this just might be a re-beginning. HUGS!
Mikal, as always, I'm proud of you for coming clean. It's inspiring. Thanks.
Mikal, I had no idea you had trouble with food. It reminds me of how, now Texas state representative, Garnett Colemen (you introduced us), went public with his clinical depression. I do think it is valuable to share. Humans had no choice but to share all of our trials, efforts, bounties, whatever, until very recent history. Many of us, me included, now walk around with a harsh internal voice to share with. By speaking with others, we share our loads, and they inevitably become lighter. One good habit that I have, and I have too many bad ones, is that I love to eat fresh food. When I was looking for a place to live, I decided it had to be within walking distance of a grocery store, so that I could have easy access to fresh produce. Keep up the good work.
Mikal - I'm glad you're utilizing the avenues of accountability available to you. However, I'd urge you to take a broader perspective on your "eating binge." I do not believe you have a food or eating problem. Look at that behavior (I don't want to use the loaded language of "binge) as an isolated event in your eating and other habits. You can eat as much as you want and stay trim and fit as long as you burn the calories you've taken in. Very basically, food = energy. The more food you eat, the more energy you need to spend in order to maintain - or lose - weight. So many people in 12-step or other so-called "support groups" focus entirely too much effort and self-measurement on blame, self-victimization, and failure due to single or even occasionally repeated slips, binges, lapses, and "picking up." They focus on it as total or abject failure, when in reality it more likely simply results in giving up on completing the rest of the program.
To me, it seems you've adopted a plan for improved overall health. That can be accomplished in a number of ways - better diet (smaller portions, more protein, less fat, less carbs, etc); better mental health (accountability, goal setting, establishing good habits such as a work-out routine); and better exercise (to burn calories consumed, to prevent sugar from storing as fat, to build muscle tone or definition, or to lose weight).
Despite your abberant behavior over the holiday period, I believe you're still making progress, good progress. Perhaps you could consider that as a single blundered assignment and look at your overall average, or grade, for the year (or month or whatever). If you do, you'll probably soon realize that you are still an "A" student in this self-improvement class.
Mikal, thank you for sharing all of this my friend. I am inspired by your honesty and could relate to your situation. There are always pressures to "look good" to our peers, no matter how many Landmark courses we take. Welcome to the world of being a human being. Because of our free will we sometimes make choices in life that in hindsight we would have done differently. Just remember, there are no mistakes, no poor decisions, just new lessons, new insights, and new opportunities to define who we are in the world. Communication is the name of the game and that is one of our most important assets in life. I am proud of you Mikal Belicove!
Hi Mikal!
This is Christina from your (new) Lifestyle Strategies class. I finally read your website and all your entries regarding your 40x40 plan. I must say I was very impressed! In particular, your entry dated 1/7 (Well-being) really hit me in a very personal way. In fact I read it over 5 times (at least) and printed it where I now obsessively carry it in my LS book which is with me wherever I go. Your entry where you mentioned your "breakthrough" is exactly how I feel right now. I've lost most my weight and my goal is SO close, but I totally lost it this past week. I feel like I binged because all my 'co dependencies' were somewhat gone. They now look at me as though I am normal...hell, some don't even remember what I used to look like. So now, here I am left to pat myself on the back for my successes and keep "check" on myself, so to say. IT IS SO HARD BEING ACCOUNTABLE TO ONESELF! Yeah, I went on a crazy binge. Pretty compatible to yours except it was all real junk food. Not a lick of what could fall under somewhat healthy range category. Then I felt stuck...stuck to my failure. I had no clue how to stop this binge..really, how do you stop something you almost feel is out of your own control? Even Monday night I was still in my Binge mode. Really, how did YOU do it? How did you stop?
So, I read all your entries...read them each twice until I reached your 1/7 entry (have you looked back yet to see what you wrote?)....your words were exactly what I was doing, feeling, and in general was also my little secret from everyone. I felt if I told my fiancÈ or others they would look at me like I'm crazy and out of control...or just lack discipline for binging...or most of all- a failure. I sat there Monday night looking at everyone, wondering why I'm binging like a cow...thinking that something must be very wrong with me because no one else "seemed" to have binged at any time while on the program. Or at least to the point that I did. I ate until I was sick to my stomach! Your entry really relaxed my senses..it told me that I am NORMAL! Other people are having the same struggles! I'm not alone.
With all that being said...I was able to (I'm hoping) to finalize my binge after reading your entry as if it were going out of style! My approach is that I broke down and just ate what I wanted with the understanding that I would restart the program...basically, treating it as though today was my very first day starting LS. Probably sounds confusing. But I feel if I take away the "almost at my goal", I can place myself with the same feelings I had the first day of LS knowing I had 50 pounds to lose. Instead it is 10. Strange I know, but after taking the Quirkyalone test...and finding I am "somewhat quirkyalone"...explains it. I analyze situations too much! Granted, I AM scared to death of Phase II. After all, if I can't get out of a binge, how the hell am I going to handle the very stuff I have issues with?
I'm happy to see you two added to your class and I find your website stimulating as I am a writer and deep thinker myself. You bring a new perspective to our group!
Christina N. Mason
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