January 8, 2004
FUNNY HOLIDAY LETTER
After yesterday's post, I thought the Beli-Blog could use something a little more lighthearted. A few weeks ago I started receiving holiday letters from friends across the country. One letter in particular stood out, and that's what today's post is about. Below is the Allred Holiday Letter, reprinted with the permission of its author, Alexandra Allred. Enjoy... it's hilarious!
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The annual Allred holiday letter has always been a bad one. Yes, bad because we like it that way. The tradition started in 1995 when Robb reviewed one of my letters with disgust and announced no one wants to read happy news. People want to hear the bad stuff, thus lifting their own spirits. To prove him wrong, I wrote everything that went bad that year ñ and it was a hit. But we donít need to tell you this was year was tough, filled with tragedy and heartbreak. The fall of the Saddam Hussein statue was fun to watch but at a great price. Itís hard to find things to joke about. As war broke out, my father (ret. Col. Marc Powe) was sent to Baghdad to work alongside General Garner in for the Organization for Reconstruction and Humanitarian Affairs. After a three-month tour, he did manage to come home just before his father (my Daddydaddy) died. Nonetheless, we will try to recap some of the old flavor of Christmas letters past with the trivial mishaps of our lives:
The year 2003 has been the year of the animal. After 6 _ years with us, Kerriís beloved guinea pig, Penny, died. Robb made us all promise that there would be no more animals but after some time, Kerri was ready for a new pig and we brought Cinny home. Cinny was with us for less than 48 hours before Tommy got her out to play with her and played a rousing game of ëroll on top of the pigí and accidentally killed her. Our big male goat, Zipper, continued to ram us until we had no choice but to sell him. Neighbors sat outside close to dinnertime just to watch me try to feed that stupid goat. No amount of kickboxing classes could keep that goat off of me! Finally, got rid of Zipper and the two baby goats, Sugar and Ginger. But the barn was empty so we got a new horse. An 18-month old gelding (Quarter horse) name Lightning came to us with all the wild, unbridled enthusiasm a young, untrained horse can have. He kicked the goats, bit and charged but nothing could prepare me for the day he leapt over the fence. He looked at me, I looked at himÖ somewhere in the distance crickets chirped. Then, the 45-minute battle of getting the nice horsey into the corral began. Of course, this occurred on possibly the hottest day in Texas and Robb was not home. Just as I got Lightning back to the corral gate, Tommy came tearing out of the garage, yelling. Lightning whirled around and flung me across the driveway and ran up the street. When Tommy charged out, he also let Pete (black lab) out who chased Benson up a tree. Benson is the kitty cat who came to us with Lightning and is named after the kind people we got Lighting from. (It took Robb three days to figure out we got a new cat. We run a ìDonít tell if no one asksî policy around here) Kerri ran out crying the cat was up the tree and Tommy got sticker burrs all over his feet. I caught the horse, caught the dog, cleaned Tommyís feet, saved the cat and went inside to call a horse trainer. A week later, Lighting went to charm school. It worked because he is very charming!!
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One day after leaving kickboxing class, I heard a faint 'mew' from a car and made a joke to my friend/kickboxing buddy, Audra, that there was a cat somewhere. Sure enough, she had a stowaway ñ a kitten that had crawled into her car somewhere in Oklahoma. The kitten traveled in the middle of summertime from Oklahoma to Texas on a Saturday and was still in the engine block on Monday morning. Dehydrated, slightly injured, scared and hungry, he was finally lured out sometime on Tuesday. We named him Sooner (He is from Oklahoma after all) and brought him home where he quickly bonded with Cookie dough, the goat. Sooner and Cookie sleep and eat together and will be featured in an upcoming book entitled, Top Ten Cats. It took another week for Robb to figure out that Benson and Sooner were in fact two different felines.
Being the conscientious animal owner that I am, I sent Benson and Sooner to be spayed/neutered but nerve damage was done to Benson and she was paralyzed for almost a week. So, she lived in the house with us. Robb hacked away from allergies but, remarkably, never said ìnoî to her coming inside. By God, I think weíre wearing him down. Pete was on high-alert ñ ready to attack at any moment.
Nala got hit by a truck and survived. Cookie had two more babies named Skittles and Nutmeg but Nutmeg is already doing things to his sister that a nice goat really shouldnít do so he must go away. Pete caught and half-ate a squirrel, leaving the carcass right where Kerri and Katie stand to catch the bus. Kerriís gag reflex is alive and well.
Tommy was diagnosed with asthma and Kerri gets motion sickness on her school bus. We replaced the carpet with hardwood floors and got a barn for our hay. I did this, of course, when the penny-pincher was gone (Robb went elk hunting). What with all the animals, this was a needed purchase but as that monstrosity of a two-story barn was being delivered I had to ask my dad, ìYou think Robb will notice it?î Tommy had to be taken to the doctorís the day before Thanksgiving because he stuck something in his ear and Katie stood up in the middle of her cafeteria at school and announced to everyone that Santa was NOT coming but no one should panic because her billy goat had a beard and could fill in for Old St. Nick. I ripped the door handle off the van when the door got stuck ñ the same van on which I banged up the rear bumper and broke the rear windshield wiper. While I was busy trying to recover the credit card bill so that he would not see how much it costs when a cat goes paralyzed I discovered that someone stole our credit card identity and placed a $2,000 charge through e-bay on gift baskets and was forced to show Robb the bill. I stood firm, prepared for the explosion, but I believe he imploded. I heard a small ticking sound. A little part of him died that day. For the holidays, I believe I will be buying him a burial plot. Always look ahead, I say!
I blew my cover as the tooth fairy when I fell on top of Kerri one night. The power went out while working on a manuscript and I lost almost 50 pages, and Kerri is going through the worst hormonal 10-year-old change possible. I swear, I never knew a person could whine the alphabet. Katie is going through a phase of cartwheels . . .every annoying second of the day she does cartwheels. Cartwheels to the dinner table, cartwheels to brush teeth, cartwheels in front of the t.v. Tommy wonít stop singing, ìDid you know the Muffin Man?î at top volume and tries to incorporate the word ëpoopí anywhere he can ñ even with the Muffin Man. Thatís just wrong! Robb is so deeply invested in Fantasy Football, the only way I can get him to focus on anything is to talk football. ìRobb, itís third down and the opposing shower in the guest room has been broken since July! Now, if we put our first stringers on the line and go for fourth and goal, victory can be ours! We can do this, Robb. Hut, hut!î Tommy broke a very valuable Russian vase, Nala bit Tommy, Kerri punched Katie in the tummy, Kerri has announced she doesnít want to eat meat anymore and Katie refuses to wear ìgirlî clothes. The shower still doesnít work and the toilet gurgles whenever I do laundry.
Posted by Mikal at January 8, 2004 6:31 AM
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