January 21, 2004
FORGIVENESS
The power of forgiveness is a pretty amazing thing. If you've ever been forgiven by someone, or if you yourself have ever forgiven someone else, you know what I'm talking about; it's a great feeling. But if you're anything like me--which, for your own sanity and peace of mind, I hope you're not (at least not in this regard)--you find that there's one person in particular who is sometimes very difficult to forgive: That's right... Yourself! I've been struggling for the past month or so with a couple of issues that I just can't seem to let go of, and they're rooted of course in the same darned thing... if I'd just forgive myself I'm likely to be a heck of lot happier.
If you know me, and I mean 'really' know me, then you already know that I truly am my own worst enemy (just ask my Mom or any of my closest friends; heck, forget that... just read some of my previous postings on this very site :-) While I'm often quick to forgive others (a trait some say is admirable, while others suggest is a weakness of mine), I'm very stodgy when it comes to forgiving myself. So, because of some of the stuff that's been going on in my life recently, I've been doing a lot of thinking and reading about this whole self-forgiveness thing, hoping to find some clues as to why it is that I have this propensity for kicking myself in the ass all the time. Here's a short list of things I've learned, so far:
1. I like to be right, even if it means conjuring up an irrational thought or two about my own self-worth (and I'm not talking about pumping myself up either). If I get to be right about how bad I am, how stupid I was, or about how wrong I was, then no one else can be more right about it than me. Easy payoff in that one, but it comes at a super high price. Note to self: How's That Working For Ya? Not So Good? Okay, Then Stop Doing That!
2. I read this really great quote the other day from Pierre Teilhard de Chardin. He said, "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience." Pretty interesting, huh? I thought so too! To me, Teilhard de Chardin's thought relates to the notion that I hold myself to unrealistic standards. In an odd and damaging sort of way, I'm always expecting way more of myself then I am of others, and it takes its toll on my psyche. Another Note To Self: How's This One Working For Ya? Not So Good? Okay, Then Stop Doing That!
3. Gary Zukav, author of Seat of The Soul, says that not forgiving is like carrying suitcases and shoulder bags loaded with bricks through a crowded airport. He says that forgiving is akin to dropping the suitcases and continuing on to your gate without any of the bricks (which aren't allowed on airplanes in the first place). "It's lightening up," says Zukav. "It is being able to enjoy your life, laugh again, and see the beauty in others. When you cannot forgive yourself, you cannot forgive others. When you cannot forgive others, you cannot forgive yourself. Holy Cow! Now there's some big time insight for me. I recently told someone that I forgave them for something, but while I said the words, I didn't really mean it. I just wanted things to be better between us, so I tried to smooth things over by saying "I forgive you." About a week or so later I admitted to this same person that I had been upset and mad all along. I'm still not over it (heck, I'm still struggling with whether or not I had a right to be mad in the first place) but I have a feeling that Zukav's words will help and that things eventually will be okay between us. Note to Self: How's It Working For Ya When You Can't Forgive Others? Not So Good, Huh? Then Stop Doing That!
4. Dr. Phil (I know, I know, I'm gonna get some crap on this one; me quoting "Dr. Phil")... but Dr. Phil says--and check this out, because this is great stuff--You Have The Power To Be Miserable The Rest Of Your Life! It's true, I heard him say it on a TV commercial for his show. So I did a little checking around, and sure enough, Dr. P. has a five-step solution: 1. Reopen your heart and mind (the good doc says that when we're confronted with terrible pain, our hearts and minds slam shut; so choosing to open up again is the first step); 2. Choose to love yourself again (if you can't love yourself, you can't heal); 3. Confront and demystify your guilt (which essentially means, work on understanding and overcoming the fear that got you into this mess in the first place); 4. Give yourself permission and time to heal (pretty straightforward); and 5. Actively create a new relationship with yourself. Honestly, all of this makes terrific sense to me... so... Note To Self: If You're Just Not Diggin' This Whole Being Miserable Thing, Then Just Stop Doing It!
A lot of great wisdom speaks to the belief that there's unlimited power within all of us. Psychology and quantum physics both offer powerful evidence that our thoughts create our reality. Note To Self: Time for me to get into a better frame of mind :-)
Posted by Mikal at January 21, 2004 5:25 AM
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You should not be trying so hard to forgive someone who hasnít wronged you (bad situations donít make bad people). And equally as important, you should not be so hard on yourself, sounds like you have done nothing wrong other than to be yourself. If someone has a problem with who you are, or how you choose to work through your feelings, then it becomes their problem, not yours. You cannot control the world.
Sometimes, we find ourselves in situations that arenít always healthy and/or right for us, and the best thing to do for ALL involved, is to get the hell out before anymore damage is done. Be grateful for the time that you had, not hateful over the time you have lost. YSRMW
Great Post, Mikal! Words for all of us, and the comments: awesome... I needed THAT. It IS hard to forgive yourself. Especially if you have been hurt over and over. I know. I walk away, when I should not.
Don't give up and don't repeat or retreat. Very easy to write and say. It takes courage to do. This wee-person sends you new positive experiences and fresh ideas as wishes into the forward, with a smile. (I believe that hardships produce strength and wisdom. If you have never seen the depths of hell/negative, how can you ever experience heaven/positive. That sentence keeps me going.)
Hey Mikal/all,
I will take a slightly different view. Why do you feel the need to forgive yourself? And why should you? I believe that forgiving oneself frequently becomes a synonym for rationalization of one's acts. And then that rationalization becomes a convenient excuse to forget. And forgetting whatever bad things you have done is the worst thing that you can do. Don't forget. Remember, because only that memory will prevent you from repeating that act or thought.
Hey, forgiving myself is the easiest thing we can do. We all do it all the time. It's the easiest escape route. Courage lies in remembering and fighting...and winning over that trait.
"Do not go gently into that good night,
Fight, fight against the dying of the light."
-Dylan Thomas
