May 11, 2005
THEY'RE OUT TO GET US
The other animals are out to get us. No doubt about it... there is a multi-species conspiracy whose goal is to harass, embarrass and attack humans. We've all heard about the eagle that stole a womanís beloved pet Chihuahua at a downtown gas station, and about the cross-country skier who got into a tussle with a moose after being attacked in the backcountry. I, myself, have a close friend who has nightly confrontations with a squirrel in her own home. But it's the bears you've gotta watch out for.
Apparently, bears have learned to stake out trails in the backcountry. When a group of hikers come by, the bears burst out of the woods sending the terrified humanoids running down the trail in a panic. Then, the bears tear into the abandoned backpacks and eat all the tuna sandwiches, fritos, and slim jims they can get their grimy paws on. According to various sources, the bears have evolved to the point where they break into cars and campers only when they see a cooler inside because they know thatís where theyíll find chilled food. Other ingenious bears have learned to walk out on the road, stop cars, and then conveniently pose for pictures with our fellow unwitting humans, who are more than happy to feed them. The tourists end up with some interesting video while the bears end up with case study after case study of how to pull off their next caper.
The other animals hate us too. Lions and tigers and bears are out to finish off the human race. Don't be surprised when herds of vicious, marauding squirrels turn every summertime picnic into a quirky little bloodbath.
Mind you, diplomatic efforts to put a halt to the impending doom are futile, because after all, itís impossible to get all the species together to discuss ways to end conflict because the other animals conveniently havenít yet learned to talk (or so that's what they'd like us to think... who the hell knows what they say when weíre not around).
Posted by Mikal at May 11, 2005 8:55 AM
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