February 23, 2006
THE MOMMY CONTRACT
Today is my Mother's birthday. Happy Birthday, Mom!
As many of our Mothers are, mine's a survivor, and on so many different levels. From running a 14-room B&B almost single-handedly and raising three kids virtually all on her own, to living under the rule of a husband who--for almost 20-years--was at his best a royal pain the you-know-what to live with, my Mother has not only persevered, she has thrived. From as far back as I can remember, she's told me that all the things I marvel at about her are really no big deal... she says it's all spelled out in the "Mommy Contract."
According to my Mother, the Mommy Contract spells out exactly what a Mommy can and must do in order to raise a well-rounded son. Over the years I've come to learn that most of the Mommy Contract's clauses and ammendments are written in a language that only Mommies can understand, and that the words are written in tiny print. For example, in very the same paragraph where it says that Mothers have the right to tell their children what to do "just because they say so," (sound familiar to anyone?) it also clearly states that Mommies have an obligation to love their children under any and all circumstances, even if they do really stupid things like push and prod their Mothers to the point where Mothers have no choice but to drag their sons by the arm, kicking and screaming along the way, out of public places like, oh I dunno, say restaurants, malls, beauty salons, supermarkets, and department stores.
In the same section of the Mommy Contract where it says Mothers have the right to make sure little boys clean their rooms, eat their peas, and take out the trash just because they say so, it also clearly states that the Mommy is obligated to love their sons unconditionally, no matter how many utterly stupid and mind-boggling decisions they may make, like, oh I dunno, things like driving two-wheeled motorized vehicles while in college without a license, or getting drunk and trying to impress college girls by telling them your Mother runs the Waldorf Astoria (as opposed to single-handedly running a 14-room B&B).
Yes, it's all clearly laid out in the small print in the Mommy Contract. Other clauses include:
- Always remind your son to tell airline pilots to "drive safely," even if in this post-9/11 world we live in today, saying so by sticking your head in the cockpit of a commercial airliner could get you kicked off the plane.
- Mommies are allowed to gossip, you cannot.
- Mommies can tell little white lies to protect little boys and grown menís feelings; little boys, teenagers, and grown men can not tell little white lies to their Mothers, ever.
- Mommies are allowed to eat as many peanut M&M's as they want; their sons may not, especially if attempting to do so involves mooching off their Mother's hidden stash.
- Mommies are allowed to change their minds about anything at any given point in time, no questions asked; little boys, teenagers, and grown men may do the same, but it's expected that they'll check with the Mommy first.
- Mommies are allowed to drive automobiles at whatever speed they wish, even if it scare the bejesus out of their son's friends who just so happen to be sitting in the back seat of the rental car the Mother is driving; son's on the other hand must adhere to their Mother's rules--despite how antiquated they may be--whenever she's a passenger in their car.
As I'm sure you can tell, the list of clauses and amendments to the Mommy Contract is never ending. In fact, you should feel free to add your own by using the "Comments" link below--which by the way seems to be temporarily broken, but I hope to have that fixed by the end of the day.
To my Mommy, whose birthday is today, and whom I love very much, thank you for signing the Mommy Contract. No one could ever accuse you--as far I'm concerned--of breaching any part of the agreement. You are my hero on so many different levels. Keep on fighting the good fight, and again... Happy Birthday!
Posted by Mikal at February 23, 2006 3:26 AM
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