December 25, 2006
HAPPY CHRISTAHANUKWANZAKAH
Continuing the trend of large-scale mergers, acquisitions, and strategic alliances, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa would merge. An industry source (a jolly fella named Shlomo "Tyrone" OíConnor) tells the BeliBlog that the deal has been in the works for about 1,300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the over-head cost of having twelve days of Christmas, eight days of Chanukah, and seven days of Kwanzaa was becoming prohibitive for all sides. By combining forces, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Sixteen Days of CHRISTAHANUKWANZAKAH (pronounced Christa-Hana-Kwanza-Kah), as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords-a-leaping and maids-a-milking being the hardest hit.
As part of the conditions of the agreement, letters of the popular Hanukkah toy "dreidel," currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to an even wider audience, and will be painted with the traditional Pan-African colors of red, black and green. Also, instead of translating to "A Great Miracle Happened Here," the message on the dreidel will be the more generic, "Miraculous Stuff Just Happens, You Know What I'm Sayin'."
In exchange, it is believed that the worldís ëchosen peopleí will be allowed to use Kris Kringle and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering gifts (an e-commerce component to the deal, supported on the backend by Amazon.com, is still in the works). In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least 30 years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa, even after having eaten norovirus-laden Olive Garden and Taco Bell meals for dinner. A breakthrough came earlier this year when Fried Okra, Chicken & Sausage Gumbo with Rice, and Collard Greens were finally declared Kosher.
All sides appeared happy about the merger. Shlomo "Tyrone" OíConnor, the newly appointed spokesman for CHRISTAHANUKWANZAKAH, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Eid al-Adha (the Muslim Festival of Sacrifice at the end of Hajj) might be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Hajj, the merger between Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa might indeed have been seen as unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately, for all concerned, he said, Hajj and Eid al-Adha will help maintain the competitive balance.
He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of, "Oy Vey Maria, Yo!"
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DISCLAIMER: This article is satirical. Any use of real names of people, alive or otherwise, is purely accidental and coincidental. Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa are not merging. The creator of the BeliBlog would like to extend seasons greetings to all, and to all a good night (or whichever greeting is most appropriate given your time zone and geographic location). Copyright © 2006 or earlier - depending on who you ask - by Unknown or perhaps Nathanson, and adapted to work here.
Posted by Mikal at December 25, 2006 9:50 AM
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Kwanzaa was invented by a criminal in 1966. How'd they pull that one off? I'm impressed.
I have to admit however, I'm a bit disappointed by the lack of a merged Islamic holiday.
*WARNING* I'm about to overstep "political correctness" boundries! Turn away if you may be offended!
Do we get to blow ourselves up if we incorporate Islamic holidays? Or at least behead people?
"Wow, that was really uncalled for Stu!" There, I chastised myself so you don't have to ;)
