December 3, 2007
RECENT CONVERSATION #6
IM conversation from last Friday afternoon between Stuart Lisonbee and yours truly (the subject matter of this chat relates to the Flying Spaghetti Monster [FSM], which can be found via the "Watching Over You" link in the left hand column here on my blog--immediately under the By The Numbers header):
12:40:55 Stu Lisonbee: Oh man...
12:41:00 Mikal Belicove: ?
12:41:14 Stu Lisonbee: I finally got to read the Open Letter to the Kansas School Board.
12:41:24 Mikal Belicove: LOL - Great stuff, huh :-)
12:41:34 Stu Lisonbee: I'm nearly puking it's so good!
12:41:40 Stu Lisonbee: I love it.
12:41:55 Mikal Belicove: Spaghetti Monster Rules!
12:42:19 Stu Lisonbee: The beauty is, it all makes perfect sense.
12:42:27 Mikal Belicove: To me too!
12:43:30 Stu Lisonbee: My favorite part is how they choose not to explain the details of why you must wear a pirate outfit, instead shortening it to, "The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we donít."
12:44:17 Mikal Belicove: LOL... I know. It's a beautiful thing.
Shortly thereafter, received via email:
From: Stuart Lisonbee
Date: November 30, 2007 15:42:17
To: Mikal Belicove, Meadow Lisonbee, Mconnelly
Subject: Leaving the Church of FSM
Hello Friends and FSM Believers,
Unfortunately, I believe I may have made the decision to convert to FSM a bit hastily. I wrote the following letter the the FSM leader, which I believe best states my feelings regarding the matter, explaining why I am leaving:
Hello Leader of the Church of FSM,
I am very concerned. I was first introduced to FSM when a converted Jewish friend of mine placed a link to your site on his blog. I read the ìOpen Letter to the Kansas School Board.î
I must say, it was as if my eyes were opening for the first time after a 33 year-long sleep! I instantly searched for how to join your church, and in a made-up ceremony from my bathtub with several 18-year old girls that I converted on a 3-hour FSM mission, baptized myself into your church. The ceremony required that we all get naked, slather each other in spaghetti sauce, and then lick each otherís bodies clean.
And yes, it was heavenly. At that point, I was SURE I was in the one true church!
But then later on, I had strange feelings. After the ceremony was done, something accidently happened (I wonít say what) and I felt a strong sense of guilt afterwards.
Had I made the wrong decision?
This caused me to look into FSM a little more. What did I find? Several contradictions that simply cannot be settled in my mind:
If this is the one true church, why would my god cause me to feel guilt for pleasing myself in his honor? What kind of all-powerful god, who can create all things, would allow me to suffer sicknesses and feelings of sadness? To test the mercy of the FSM, I tortured a lab rat I obtained from the science labs of my local university. For three hours I tortured the rat. It was clear the animal was in excruciating pain, and yet the FSM did nothing to save this poor beast!
My conclusion? YOU HAVE LIED TO ME!
Why would you mislead me like this? May you burn in whatever place is your equivalent of hell forever and ever! You are surely the pure spawn of evil! I hate you and I hate your Flying Spaghetti Monster! If your god ever dares show itself to me, I shall throw it in the microwave and set the cook time to ETERNITY!
Good day, Sir. I shall here forth pray for your soul to whatever god shall listen, but certainly not to the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Sincerely,
Stuart
PS: If you find any part of this letter satirical, I assure you it is pure coincidence.
To learn more, visit the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and read Open Letter to the Kansas School Board.
Posted by Mikal at December 3, 2007 10:31 PM
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