December 25, 2007
MERAPPY CHRISTAHANUKWANZAKAHSOLFESTIS
Continuing the trend of large-scale mergers, acquisitions, and strategic alliances, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Solstice, and Festivus would merge. An industry source (a jolly fella named Daniel von Bargen Kruger) tells the BeliBlog that the deal has been in the works since December 18, 1997, when the popular television sitcom, Seinfeld, aired the episode known as "The Strike" (Season 9, Episode 10). While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the over-head cost of having twelve days of Christmas, eight days of Chanukah, seven days of Kwanzaa, and one day each of Winter Solstice and the "Airing of Grievances" was becoming prohibitive for all sides. By combining forces, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Eighteen Days of CHRISTAHANUKWANZAKAHSOLFESTIS (pronounced Christa-Hana-Kwanza-Kah-Soul-Festis), as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords-a-leaping and maids-a-milking being the hardest hit.
As part of the conditions of the agreement, letters of the popular Hanukkah toy "dreidel," currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible and maddening to an even wider audience, and will be painted with the traditional Pan-African colors of red, black and green. Also, instead of translating to "A Great Miracle Happened Here," the message on the dreidel will be the more generic, "Miraculous stuff just happens, you know what I'm saying, people?"
In exchange, it is believed that the world's "chosen people" will be allowed to use Kris Kringle and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering gifts (an e-commerce component to the deal, supported on the backend by Overstock, is still in the works). In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa, and if enough Festivus poles could be produced in time for the holiday. A breakthrough came earlier this year when Fried Okra, Chicken & Sausage Gumbo with Rice, and Collard Greens were finally declared Kosher.
All sides appeared happy about the merger. Daniel von Bargen Kruger, or "Tyrone" as his friends call him, the newly appointed spokesman for CHRISTAHANUKWANZAKAHSOLFESTIS, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Eid al-Adha (the Muslim Festival of Sacrifice at the end of Hajj) might be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Hajj, the merger between Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Solstice, and Festivus might indeed have been seen as unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately, for all concerned, he said, Hajj and Eid al-Adha will help maintain the competitive balance.
He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey Maria," followed by an incoherent rant about how he had a lot of problems with nearly everyone in attendance.
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DISCLAIMER: This blog entry is entirely satirical. Any use of real names of people, alive or otherwise, is purely accidental and coincidental. Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Solstice, and Festivus are not merging. The creator of the BeliBlog would like to extend seasons greetings to all, and to all a good night (or whichever greeting is most appropriate given your particular time zone / geographic location). Copyright © 2007 or earlier -- depending on who you ask -- by Unknown or perhaps Nathanson, and adapted over the years to work here.
[Another Festivus Miracle!!]
Posted by Mikal at December 25, 2007 2:36 PM
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