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December 31, 2003

FREE HATS, CHEATING, NEW YEAR'S EVE, AN ACCUSATION OF RAPE, AND FACIAL HAIR

HI, WOULD YOU LIKE A FREE SCOT POLLARD HAT?: I volunteered at the Indiana Pacers game on Monday night. My job was to pass out free caps with Pacers' player Scot Pollard's signature and number embroidered on front. Unfortunately, the signature was illegible, and despite the fact that we handed out over 4,000 free caps, Pollard himself didn't even play in the game. By the NBA's count, Pollard has averaged just over 5 points a year during his 7-year career. By my count, well over half of the people I handed caps to didn't even know that Pollard played for the Pacers!

CHEATING... ON MY DIET: I caved on my low caloric diet. Last Friday evening I ate four small slices of a DiGiorno pizza, and then on Saturday ate an entire mini DiGiorno pizza (six slices), two cookies, and a Qdoba burrito. I knew it was wrong but did it anyway. Since then I've gone back onto the low-caloric meal plan, but not before spending a few extra moments in the bathroom.

NEW YEAR'S EVE PLANS: Tonight is New Year's Eve, and I'll be volunteering at the Indiana State Museum's annual Family New Yearís Eve Celebration. I'll be in the coat check room, where I'm told I'll have a great view of the live band (Dog Talk), balloon drop, and confetti cannons. The event runs from 6:30 PM ñ 9:00 PM, which should allow everyone to get home and off the roads before the crazies take over.

RAPE ACCUSATION: A local DJ, who anchors an extremely popular drive-time radio show here in Indianapolis, was arrested late yesterday afternoon on a preliminary charge of rape. Our local sheriffís department told the media that the DJ, whose name I am purposely not sharing -- for reasons which I'll explain -- is accused of raping his family's 22-year-old nanny / babysitter. I recognize that this may not be a popular position to share, but what the heck... I've never been a proponent of the police releasing the name of an accused rapist, while at the same time protecting the name of the accuser. Unfortunately (and read these words very carefully), we live in a society where one is presumed innocent until proven guilty, not unless proven guilty. The until part makes it seem like it's only a matter of time before the accused becomes the guilty, and regardless of whether guilt is proven, the accused has had his or name plastered all over the place, while the accuser's name is protected at all costs. Can someone explain to me how this is just and/or fair? Am I simply missing something here?

BEARD: I've decided to grow one!

Posted by Mikal at 6:28 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

December 30, 2003

THE END OF VOLUNTEERISM?

Do you volunteer? Be careful... union employees may soon set up a picket line at your next volunteer gig. Believe it or not, some organized unions are now saying that no one should volunteer for a job that a union employee could do for pay.

In Harford, Connecticut, because of a belief that volunteer firefighters are taking jobs away from paid firefighters, the city's paid firemen have been told by their chief that they can no longer volunteer to help out at volunteer fire departments. In San Diego, California, where the school district is so broke that it layed off its landscapers, parents and kids stepped in to fill the void by mowing grass and trimming hedges. As a result, a local landscapers' union complained to the school board that the volunteers were doing jobs that belonged to them, and now no one but union landscapers can do the mowing and trimming. And, in Beaver County, Pennsylvania, union officials are insisting that the work done by volunteers last October during a volunteer tire cleanup at a local park should have been offered first to the county's unionized public works employees. To push the matter beyond the philosophical, fourteen public works employees filed a grievance seeking close to $1,000.00 for the tire removal work done by the volunteers.

Granted, each of these situations probably includes details which I'm not totally aware of. Nonetheless, it's a disturbing trend to see unions -- or any group of employees for that matter -- so easily promote an agenda of entitlement.

Posted by Mikal at 6:40 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

December 29, 2003

I just want to share that I had a great time helping out at Santa's Workshop and Photo Studio. Being around so many excited children, and meeting and interacting with lots of new and interesting people, helped to make this a holiday season to remember for all times. However, as you'll see from these pictures, Santa and I had a difficult time saying goodbye to one another.

In all seriousness though, I never thought that working at a suburban mall could be so much fun. My job as an acquisitions editor allows me to interact with many amazing people, but most of it's done via the phone or Internet, or in person with the same co-workers on a daily basis. Working retail is a whole different story. It puts you front and center with all that humanity has to offer, and if you allow it to, it can give you an entirely new perspective and appreciation for the people who fan the fire that heats the service sector of our economic society.

December 27, 2003

Q: What's worse... having expectations that are too high, or having no expectations at all?

MBís A: In my world, having too many expectations has always been the death of me. I try (emphasis on the word ëtryí) to follow the path of possibilities, not expectations. When I allow expectations to rule the day, and something gets in the way (either in or out of my control), thereís often disappointment on the other side. But if I allow myself the freedom to think in terms of ëpossibilitiesí, and something gets in the way, thereís always more hope and possibility on the other side. This has proven particularly useful in business, but admittedly is nearly impossible to control or affect where matters of the heart are concerned. Nonetheless, life has been a lot simpler since I adopted the practice of choosing possibilities over expectations.

Q: What was your favorite Holiday / Christmas gift (from either this year or of all time)?

MBís A: This is going to sound just awful, but I honestly canít recall which has necessarily been the 'best' per se. All of the gifts I've received have been great, but to single one out over another is really difficult. MomÖ you have a better memory for these sorts of things than do I. Was it Blip, ColecoVision, or that very first rendition of the Sony Walkman? Maybe it was something else entirely? Actually, now that I think about it some more, I was particularly grateful and happy with that trip to Paris I received my junior year in high school, and I'm sure there's more.

Q: Have you made any New Year's Resolutions? If not, is it because you don't believe in such things? If so, care to share any?

MBís A: Like so many people I know, I believe that the turn of the year is a great time to turn a leaf, but it's not the only time. The first of the year doesn't signify the only time that I start to do something that I hadn't done before. Nonetheless, my resolutions for 2004 and beyond include: 1. Learn to play the piano; 2. Maintain the 40-50 pound weight loss that I achieved in 2003; 3. Be a better friend and colleague by being a better person; 4. Work smarter, not longer; 5. Be with family, not just spiritually but physically, as well; 6. Work to not wear my heart on my sleeve as much as I normally do (which is to say, not let so many of my emotions reveal themselves in my face and posture); 7. Continue to volunteer in the community and beyond at least three times per month; 8. Don't be so hard on myself; 9. Make wiser decisions where my personal and institutional finances are concerned, and continue to pay down institutional debt related to my business affairs; and, 10. Before the end of the first quarter of 2004, create and start to put into action a 5-year plan that addreses both personal and professional goals.

Q: Have you ever slept with all of your clothes on? If so, what were the circumstances?

MBís A: As an adult (post-18) I donít think that I have, but then again my Mom may know something that I donít!

December 26, 2003

As most regular readers know, I'm spending the holiday's here in Indianapolis. Yesterday, despite not being with family or friends, was a pretty solid day. I stuck around the house until 9:30am, which is late for me, then headed out the fitness center for a little holiday exercise. The gym was completely empty for the first forty-five minutes of my workout, so I didn't have any trouble whatsoever getting onto my favorite Elliptical trainer. Then, as if someone had unwrapped the gym itself, a steady stream of people started pouring in, which only served to validate my sense that working out on Christmas day was actually an okay thing to be doing.

An hour or so later and I was sitting at my office desk checking e-mail, and an hour after that I was stepping out of my shower (which is to say that I didn't stay at the office for very long at all). Then, at around half-past Noon I poped over to the Canary Cafe, which hosts an annual holiday meal service for anyone who doesn't have anyplace to go on Christmas day. From 12:45pm to 3:00pm I washed dishes, stacked pots and pans, cleared tables, and vacuumed the dining room. I met a lot of really nice people, including Carol -- a professor at IUPUI, and her husband Dave -- a retired engineer who restores old homes (they met nine years ago as the result of a singles ad Carol placed in Indianapolis Monthly magazine).

A few hours later and I was working on my third load of laundry, all of which was done in time to watch the University of Houston play a truly fantastic football game against the other U of H (Hawaii), in the Aloha Bowl. Unfortunately, my U of H lost in triple overtime, 54-48, but not befoe providing diehard fans like me with enough excitement to make up for the fact that this was Houston's first post-season Bowl since 1996. Even more unfortunate was the nasty brawl that broke out between the two teams players at mid-field immediately following the game. (I, of course, can't help but wonder if the "Hawaii is a Sad Little State" editorial that appeared in my old school newpaper had anything to do with fight itself.)

But the best part of this Christmas day was when my Mother told me that the only thing my older brother Kenny wanted for a gift this year was to see his little brother (that's me). Bro... not to worry, I'll see ya soon enough. I'll be up in either January or February, no doubt! In the meantime, here's a picture to hold you over:

December 25, 2003

Continuing the trend of large-scale mergers, acquisitions, and strategic alliances, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah (also known throughout the world as ëHanukahí or ëHanukkahí) will merge. An industry source tells the Beli-Blog that the deal has been in the works for about 1,300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the over-head cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of CHANUMASS, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords-a-leaping and maids-a-milking being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters of the popular Chanukah toy dreidel, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A Great Miracle Happened Here," the message on the dreidel will be the more generic, "Miraculous Stuff Happens."

In exchange, it is believed that the worldís ëchosen peopleí will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering gifts (an e-commerce component to the deal is still in the works). In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least 300 years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa, even after having eaten potentially Mad Cow disease-laden meat for dinner. A breakthrough came earlier this year when Oreoís were finally declared to be Kosher.

All sides appeared happy about this. Shlomo OíConnor, the newly appointed spokesman for CHANUMASS, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed have been seen as unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help maintain the competitive balance.

He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of, "Oy Vey Maria."

- - - - - - - - -
DISCLAIMER: This article is satirical. Any use of real names of people, alive or otherwise, is purely accidental and coincidental. Christmas and Chanukah are not merging. The staff of The Beli-Blog would like to extend seasons greetings to all, and to all a good night (or whichever greeting is most appropriate given your time zone and geographic location). Copyright © 1999 or earlier - depending on who you ask - by Unknown or perhaps Nathanson, and adapted to work here.

December 24, 2003

I haven't had any since October (meat, that is), and now I'm sorta glad. The first-ever case of mad cow disease in the United States was identified yesterday in a single cow in Washington state. While final laboratory confirmation will take a few more days, the U.S. Secretary of Agriculture says that sheís confident that preliminary testing is reliable. At the same time, she insisted that the American food supply is safe (adding that she will even be eating beef at herself at her holiday dinner later this week). But given the enormous impact of Mad Cow Disease outbreaks in Europe and Asia, there is a pretty legitimate concern today that the U.S. beef industry and its related industries could be devastated by this development. (Japan and South Korea, which last year imported over $840 million and $620 million worth of U.S. beef respectively, have already announced that they will ban all U.S. beef, and shares of McDonald's Holdings stock are already down.)

Despite the possible long-term losses to livestock and livelihood, I can't help but wonder if thereís a silver lining. How many people die each year as a result of poor diets that are heavily dependant on beef. I honestly don't know, but if the Mad Cow situation gets just a few hundred thousand people to change their eating habits, perhaps it'll have been worth it.

December 23, 2003

I wanted to share a frightening experience I had about two weeks ago, which, in the immortal words of Chuck Berry, had my nerves reeliní, rockiní, and rolliní. I have to say, I am a healthy, active, white male. Doctors say that folks in my age/health bracket should get a physical every 2-3 years, but with a friend from high school who was diagnosed with testicular cancer at 24, Lance Armstrong who was diagnosed with testicular cancer at 26, and my uncle who is battling prostate cancer at 57, I didnít want to take any chances.

Two weeks ago, I went in for my yearly physical and the doc discovered a BB sized lump on my right testicle. While the doctor was very comforting saying that it was common for cysts to form in the human body, he was recommending a testicular ultrasound just have to make sure that everything was ok. While it would be another week before they could squeeze me in for an appointment, I was concerned, but tried not to let the negative thoughts and ìwhat-ifsî consume me. Luckily, I was going in a million directions trying to finish my thesis before Christmas, and was going insane coordinating the logistics for my winter camping overnight with the Community Adventure Program. However, as I sat in the doctorís office awaiting my testicular ultrasound exam, the anxiety slowly began to set in.

After an awkward 45 minutes of having an older woman fiddling around with the 'boys', she was able to provide the Radiologist with enough pictures to analyze for a diagnosis. It turns out that I indeed had a cyst on the epididymis, which was not cancerous and would never be cancerous. It was fantastic news and I rejoiced thanking my lucky stars that it was not a tumor. The moral of the story, for men and women alike, is to get checked out once a year, become more aware of your body and its intricacies. Take special notice of any lumps, bumps, or things that seem out of the ordinary. The 'boys' are OK, so there is only one thing to do at a time like thisÖ strut!

December 22, 2003

If you didn't get to a theater over the last week or so to catch the new Lord of the Rings movie, there's a chance you can catch it at home on your very own computer. I read this morning that there are at least 5,000 copies of "The Return of the King" available on the Internet through file sharing sites such as Grokster and Kazaa. Of course, you'd likely need to have a mainframe computer in order to be able store a file that large, but nonetheless, it's apparently out there for anyone to steal. Wired News reports that many of the available copies are high quality.

As I wrote yesterday, my good buddy Ford Church's blog was reviewed by the Boulder Daily Camera in a 12/20/03 article on Blogging in Boulder. Now there's even more good news for Ford's Community Adventure Program. For the second day in a row, the Daily Camera profiles Ford and his Community Adventure Program. From the Sunday edition of the Boulder Daily Camera:

Way to go Ford! Click here to read the entire article, and please click here to visit Ford's Community Adventure Program Blog.

December 21, 2003

December 19, 2003

Q: Aside from 'having your cake and eating it to', what's the best thing you can imagine?

MB's A: World PeaceÖ which I feel requires people and nations to drop their need to be right, along with their desire to make others wrong for who they are and what they believe in.

Q: Have you ever worked on Christmas Day? If so, how did it feel knowing ahead of time that you'd be working on that day, and then how did it feel actually working that day? If you've never worked on Christmas Day, would you?

MB's A: I have, and because I was covering for people who had more of a Christmas tradition than did I at the time, it felt pretty good.

Q: Do you think Usama Bin Laden will be captured alive, and... did you think Saddam Hussein would be caught alive?

MB's A: I do not think Bin Laden will be captured, dead or alive, but then again, I didnít think Hussein would either.

P.S. If this is your last visit to the Beli-Blog for the rest of this year -- because you check it daily or sporadically exclusively while at work (and you're off for the rest of the year starting next Monday) -- Happy Holidays. Thanks for being a part of my world these past 12 months. We truly are a part of all of those who have touched us! Be well over the break... both to others and yourself.

December 18, 2003

I had an interesting conversation with Matt last night about his auto accident. As a quick reminder, Matt was in an automobile accident over the weekend (pictures and dialogue here). We talked by phone about how heís been walking around since the accident with a new 'sense of being', akin to that which we often hear about from people who survive near-death experiences. Survivors like Matt are just happy to be alive, and as a result are placed in the envious position of viewing the world thru a new set of eyes. Big things no longer seem so big, and fear no longer seems to rule the day. Regrets take a back seat to living for the moment and taking things one day at a time. Smiles appear for what the rest of us are the silliest of reasons, and the little things that used to bother us no longer seem to matter.

My question to Matt, and to anyone else who cares to chime in, was thisÖ how do we ñ you and I and all of the billions of other people walking the planet everyday who have not experienced life-changing events such as automobile accidents or near-death events such as a difficult birth ñ how do the rest of us get some of what Mattís experiencing right now? The post-traumatic high, as Matt and I labeled it, which is something that I have experienced myself, never seems to last long enough to make a profound enough of a difference for me to change the world or even myself in any sustainable sort of way. A few days, maybe a week or so later, and life seems to be back to normal. Fear creeps back in, and before you know it weíre back to our old ways. For some that means being resigned and cynical, while for others it may mean living a life that is governed by hesitation and self-doubt.

We shouldnít have to face death head-on in order to gain perspective, should we? How do we all get the high that Mattís experiencing right now, and more importantly, how do we get it to last?

About a month ago, I agreed to host a house party (read information session & fundraiser) for Wes Clark, a Democratic nominee for President. It's basically a fundraiser where we'll watch a video about the retired Army General and his candidacy, take a conference call from the General, register folks to vote, talk about politics and criticize both President Bush and the other Democratic contenders. The video is produced by the same Hollywood team that did Bill Clinton's "A Man from Hope." It should be good. You can get the details here.

I was excited to do this event. I'm an old pro at political events and fundraisers, having done a number of them over the past decade, mostly for Rhode Island political figures at the city, state, and federal level. Some winners. Some losers. But, I've felt a lot of stress doing this one. It's my first one here in Missouri and I don't have as extensive a contact list as I do in RI. So, I'm nervous and anxious about the turn-out. The event garnered a mention in the local Sunday paper and on 2 radio stations a couple of mornings this week. A reporter from the paper will cover the event as part of a story on grassroots movements in the area. I'm sure everything will be OK. But I can't help but think how relieved I'm going to be tonight when the event is over. That is not normally like me. But, I'm very excited to be done with the event - and it hasn't even started! Any advice??

December 16, 2003

It's been a while since I last posted an update on the 40 X 40 plan, so here goes. Drum Roll Please...

Over the last few weeks I've truly come to realize and accept that the program I'm in is more than just a weight loss program. What I'm really enrolled in is a program designed to aid in the improvement of my overall health AND well being. Weight management is just one part of my program, and so far I'm really pleased with how things are going. I continue to exercise around 5 days per week (burning on average around 800 calories per session), and despite being occasionally bored by the format of my mandatory Monday evening class, I am learning a great deal about just how unrealistic I allowed myself to get with respect to the choices I was making around diet and exercise (or lack there of).

The idea here is to slow down the number of pounds I'm losing on a weekly basis (which right now is around 5) to the point where I gradually ease into my goal weight of 175 lbs. As always, to everyone who has supported me with words and actions of encouragement and understanding, thanks yo! A new me has emerged... in more ways than just being a few pant sizes smaller (okay... 6 pant sizes smaller, but hey -- whose counting, right!).

December 15, 2003

Many of the daily news websites I hit over the weekend ran the same disturbing headline... New York Tourism Booming Post-9-11. Cristyne Nicholas, head of NYC's tourism agency is quoted in each of the articles I read as proudly saying, "New York is the safest large city in America. It's family friendly." Family friendly? FAMILY FRIENDLY? Which families is Nicholas referring to? Apparently, only those who can afford to spend $215+ per night for a hotel room.

At the same time that New York City is pumping itself as being a 'family friendly' destination, the not-for-profit Partnership For The Homeless reports that 17,000 NYC kids and their families are homeless this holiday season (the highest number in more than two decades). In the middle of a city of unprecedented wealth and affluence, the ranks of the homeless continue to swell. As is well documented, homeless children are more likely to be under-immunized, have higher rates of nutritional deficiencies and chronic illnesses, and are more prone to suffer from low self-confidence and low self-esteem than children with permanent homes. With so many people teetering on the edge of hopelessness, supported only by an average minimum-wage take home income of $900.00 per month, perhaps NYC should focus more on what's truly important, and less on its public image.

December 14, 2003

Former U.S. Senator -- and former member of the U.S. and Illinois House of Representatives -- Paul Simon died unexpectedly last week from complications associated with heart surgery. He was one of my favorite politicians, and not just because he always wore a bowtie.

Paul Simon was a tireless advocate for the oppressed, and not surprisingly, an unabashed liberal who almost never lost an election. He had a spotless reputation and Mr. Nice-guy image for close to 50 years while flourishing in the anything-goes world of regional and national politics. With his signature bowties, unmistakable voice, and practice of writing personal letters to many of the people he met, Simon projected an academic image, yet he never graduated from college and still managed to write over 20 books.

Whenever I think of good government, government that works on behalf of the people, I will always think about Paul Simon.

December 13, 2003

A co-worker was kind enough to send me this link. It's the best online snowglobe I've ever seen (okay, it's only online snowglobe I've 'ever' seen, but still, I think you'd be hard-pressed to find a better one than this one). Pay special attention to the 8 words underneath the globe itself, and take note ahead of time that you need to have Flash 5.0 or greater installed on a computer system that supports it. (You can verify that you have Flash by going to this site. If you see the "Macromedia Flash Player" animation, you have Flash and should be able to view the snowglobe. If you do not get the animation, follow the instructions at that site to install or upgrade your Flash player.) Enjoy!

December 12, 2003

MBís A: Worst: Daredevil: Not one thing in this movie commanded my attention. There were holes throughout, no inspiring sequences to speak of, and the fight scenes ñ including Daredevilís big showdown with the Kingpin ñ were weak, feebly edited, and over before they even began. Best: Pirates of the Caribbean ñ The Curse of the Black Pearl: Even though Iíve only watched the first half of this movie, itís still the best flick I saw this year. Johnny Deppís performance is worthy of an Oscar, and the sets and stunts were done to perfection. Canít wait to watch the second half!

Q: Where do you turn for inspiration and/or guidance when faced with difficult situations?

MBís A: Iím a firm believer in the notion that we all inherently know the difference between right and wrong. Acting on it is a whole nother matter altogether, and thatís where my motherís inspiration and guidance comes into play. She always helps me to see things for exactly what they are, including myself.

Q: Which is better: Opening presents or watching someone else open a gift from you?

MBís A: While both are extremely enjoyable, if I had to choose, I'd prefer to open than to watch. Now, change the question so it reads, ìWhich is better: Opening presents, watching someone else open a gift from you, or shopping for or making someone elseís present?î and my answer would be entirely different. Nine times out of ten, Iíd choose the shopping for or making option. I love the planning and execution part.

MBís A: A different thought-provoking quote or ironic statistic every month.

December 11, 2003

Sometimes I find it hard to meet well-travelled and worldly people here in this small Midwestern town. However, the other night at a restaurant I saw a group of people and pegged a couple of them as gay. Don't ask me how - I just know these things! My brother's date, bless her heart, was eager to find me a date, so she went over to this table and asked about a date for me. The guy she talked to said that he was engaged - and gay! Without blinking, she said "So is my friend." Anyway, later that evening, I met the other guy. He is recent NYU grad and emigre from Manhattan who followed his parents here. He is now a high school teacher. His sister is going to Brown, my alma mater. We talked about mutual interests, the East Coast, and "being stuck in a small town," and eventually exchanged information. Who knows? Maybe I'll get a date. I'm so excited! Does anyone else have similar stories of such fortuitous meetings?

December 10, 2003

As I mentioned on 11/25/03, I'm working part-time this December at the Fashion Mall at Keystone greeting customers and shooting Santa photos for a friend's company. Working directly with consumers has been an interesting experience. Take for instance the grandmother and her daughter who became super pissed when I couldn't sell them one of our advertised packages due to the fact that we'd run out of the pewter ornament that comes with the package. Grandma threw a total hissy-fit (similar to the young kids who cry in Santa's lap), going as far as to tell me that in her line of work -- "healthcare" -- you can't just advertise that you have the flu vaccine and then not have shots available for people when people show up. "That's bad business," I was told, and she was going to make sure my manager knew about it. "Thank God this isn't a life or death situation like 'healthcare' and flu shots," is what I wanted to say, along with the fact that I could give a rat's ass, but I kept my cool and pretended she was a secret shopper sent into the booth to test our team's ability to take care of a difficult situation.

Once old Florence Nightingale moved on to bitch and moan to one of my co-workers, her daughter starts in by complaining about the pictures. Ya see, our camera is hooked up to a computer monitor which affords customers with the opportunity to view their photos before we print them. As with all customers who have small children, we take as many photos as possible until we get at least one or two with the kid(s) looking squarely into the camera. But when the kid is a crying infant, it's nearly impossible to get a great picture (a great picture of a smiling infant, that is). So mom steps up to the computer monitor and is absolutely disgusted by the images she's viewing, and insists that we continue shooting photos until little Hailey is smiling and looking directly into the camera.

Now mind you, Hailey doesn't know what the heck a camera is, and quite frankly she too could give a rat's ass about the whole sorted affair. She's sitting in a complete stranger's lap -- mind you, who's wearing an odd red velvet suit that smells of the last 10 kids who sat in Santa's lap -- in the middle of mall with no less than five or six people hovering around her and playing with squeaky toys, making the stupidest faces and noises, all in an attempt to get her to stop crying and smile for the camera. With 20 customers waiting in line, and with grandma shouting at the top of her lungs, it's a sticky situation. To make matters worse, dad's off in the corner laughing and filming the whole thing with his new video camera. Mom decides it's time to actually order a package of photos but then decides -- after the order prints out and has been rung up on the register -- that she wants a completely different package. Luckily, customers like these are few and far between, and even more sobering is the fact that I actually do have a day job.

I'll close by sharing the most popular kids names of the season: Jack, Riley, Connor, Hailey, Sophie, Aden, Sydney, Parker, Cole, and McKenzie.

December 9, 2003

This comes from my Mom (with the caveat, "I don't send you stuff like this often but I think you'll like this one")... and as mothers usually are, she's right. Thanks, Mom!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For example...If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the bough on a tree!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for granted.

But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship.

Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

December 8, 2003

Ever wonder what the President of the United States does when heís snowed in and canít make it out to Camp David for the weekend? Me either. Nevertheless, this past Saturday, while the east coast was getting pummeled by the snow we were supposed to get here in Indianapolis, President Bush signed the following into law:

December 7, 2003

Are you a fan of scary movies? If so, click here for a pretty solid list of the scariest movie scenes ever. While I'm not the world's foremost expert on what exactly qualifies for scare-the-crap-out-of-ya material, I do know scary when I see it... and the creators of this list vastly underestimated the horror associated with entry number 19. Click here to see if you agree. (If scary movies aren't your thing, click here for a list of the worst sex scenes ever.)

December 6, 2003

December 5, 2003

Q: Have you ever served on a jury? If so, what sort of case was it and how did it end? If not, would you want to?

Q: In what ways do you think your life will be different seven months from today (the day after the Forth of July, 2004)?

December 4, 2003

From an e-mail I recently received: After a bad experience with Apple customer service in trying to get the battery on their iPod replaced, two brothers made a stencil and a movie. Get the movie here, and get the many, many responses the movie has generated by searching Feedster.com for "dirty secret iPod". (Apple apparently now has a new battery replacement policy.)

December 3, 2003

Not two minutes after a dear friend left my office, where we were talking about how it didnít truly feel like the holiday season just yet because of the lack of snow, my desktop WeatherBug starts going berserk.

Yea! Said a little differentlyÖ Woo-Hoo! Thursday evening will be the start of something great!

December 2, 2003

Take a look towards the left side of this page. Notice anything new? It's pretty subtle. Look again. Still not seeing it? Take a look at the "By The Numbers" entries. Now do you see it? Starting right away, anyone who feels like leaving a comment or engaging the rest of us in dialogue surrounding any of the ironic or unusual numbers, can do so by clicking on the brand new 'comments' button located under each and every post. (Not the biggest change in the world but I think it's sort of cool. Hope you do too.)

Yesterday morning's elevator ride to the office has me thinking about what's important vs. what's trivial. I rode up to my floor with a pregnant co-worker who has been put thru a living hell for the past five days.

"Belated Happy Thanksgiving," was my opening salutation, followed by "How was your four-day weekend?" The response... a deeply saddened "Not so good." My reply, "Oh, I'm sorry; do you feel like talking about it?" What followed was completely unexpected and dumbfounding. Her husband, ~~a naturalized citizen from Senegal~~ in the US for over 3 or 4 years on extended visa that was apparently secured by a shady NY lawyer, was detained by the INS the day before Thanksgiving because of questions with his citizenship-related paperwork. A pillar of his community, this guy is known around town as a relentless and caring volunteer who is always available with a helping hand for new arrivals from his home country. That this man -- who by the way stands 7 feet tall, so he's kind of hard to miss -- would not take care of his own business, is unfathomable, to say the least; and while I didn't get all of the details from his wife, it was pretty clear that someone other than himself made a major mistake with his paperwork.

Bottom-line... they hauled him off to Wisconsin on the spot, and he's now scheduled to be deported to Senegal later this week. His wife, who's five months pregnant, spent the entire Thanksgiving Holiday alone and understandably worrying about a myriad of possibilities related to this whole ordeal. The only reason she even came into the office yesterday morning was to quickly grab some stuff off of her computer that she felt would help the situation. And I think I've got problems!

December 1, 2003

If you happened to be online last Friday, you may have noticed that I wrote about this new thing called 'Grid Blogging' (click here to see what itís all about). In the spirit of todayís Grid Blog (topic being ìbrandî) I offer the following list, in no particular order: