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December 28, 2007
FOUR FOR FRIDAY- THE YEAR-END EDITION
Q1 - Bump That Chest: Looking back on the year that was 2007, what are you most proud of?
Q2 - Moving On : Which famous person's death in 2007 impacted you the most? (Need some help? Here's a short list of some of the famous people--and one horse--who died this year: Kurt Vonnegut, Barbaro, Anna Nicole Smith, Lamar Lundy, Kitty Carlisle Hart, Boris Yeltsin, Art Buchwald, Rev. Jerry Falwell, Robert Goulet, Beverly Sills, Lady Bird Johnson, Tammy Faye (Bakker) Messner, Tom Snyder, Bill Walsh, Luciano Pavoratti, Jane Wyman, Joey Bishop, Mr. Whipple, Brad Delp, Richard Jeni, Bowie Kuhn, James Faust, Eddie Robinson, Don Ho, Liz Clairborne, Joel Siegel, Ingmar Bergman, Merv Griffin, Norman Mailer, Leona Helmsley, Sean Taylor, Evil Knievel, Ike Turner, Marcel Marceau, and Benazir Bhutto.)
Q3 - Bring It!: Looking ahead--toward the year that is still to be (2008)--what are you most looking forward to?
Q4 - Now That's What I'm Talkin' Bout: What was your favorite Holiday / Christmas gift (from either this year or of all time)?
December 25, 2007
MERAPPY CHRISTAHANUKWANZAKAHSOLFESTIS
Continuing the trend of large-scale mergers, acquisitions, and strategic alliances, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Solstice, and Festivus would merge. An industry source (a jolly fella named Daniel von Bargen Kruger) tells the BeliBlog that the deal has been in the works since December 18, 1997, when the popular television sitcom, Seinfeld, aired the episode known as "The Strike" (Season 9, Episode 10). While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the over-head cost of having twelve days of Christmas, eight days of Chanukah, seven days of Kwanzaa, and one day each of Winter Solstice and the "Airing of Grievances" was becoming prohibitive for all sides. By combining forces, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Eighteen Days of CHRISTAHANUKWANZAKAHSOLFESTIS (pronounced Christa-Hana-Kwanza-Kah-Soul-Festis), as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords-a-leaping and maids-a-milking being the hardest hit.
As part of the conditions of the agreement, letters of the popular Hanukkah toy "dreidel," currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible and maddening to an even wider audience, and will be painted with the traditional Pan-African colors of red, black and green. Also, instead of translating to "A Great Miracle Happened Here," the message on the dreidel will be the more generic, "Miraculous stuff just happens, you know what I'm saying, people?"
In exchange, it is believed that the world's "chosen people" will be allowed to use Kris Kringle and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering gifts (an e-commerce component to the deal, supported on the backend by Overstock, is still in the works). In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa, and if enough Festivus poles could be produced in time for the holiday. A breakthrough came earlier this year when Fried Okra, Chicken & Sausage Gumbo with Rice, and Collard Greens were finally declared Kosher.
All sides appeared happy about the merger. Daniel von Bargen Kruger, or "Tyrone" as his friends call him, the newly appointed spokesman for CHRISTAHANUKWANZAKAHSOLFESTIS, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Eid al-Adha (the Muslim Festival of Sacrifice at the end of Hajj) might be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Hajj, the merger between Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Solstice, and Festivus might indeed have been seen as unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately, for all concerned, he said, Hajj and Eid al-Adha will help maintain the competitive balance.
He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey Maria," followed by an incoherent rant about how he had a lot of problems with nearly everyone in attendance.
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DISCLAIMER: This blog entry is entirely satirical. Any use of real names of people, alive or otherwise, is purely accidental and coincidental. Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Solstice, and Festivus are not merging. The creator of the BeliBlog would like to extend seasons greetings to all, and to all a good night (or whichever greeting is most appropriate given your particular time zone / geographic location). Copyright © 2007 or earlier -- depending on who you ask -- by Unknown or perhaps Nathanson, and adapted over the years to work here.
[Another Festivus Miracle!!]
December 21, 2007
FOUR FOR FRIDAY
Q1 - Notification: Rose Tani, the 90-year-old mother of astronaut Daniel Tani, died this Wednesday in the Chicago suburb of Lombard. Police said Rose Tani stopped behind a school bus at a railroad crossing and then drove around the vehicle, bypassing the lowered crossing gate. A train struck the elder Tani's vehicle on the passenger side and pushed it down the tracks before stopping. Daniel Tani is believed to be the first American astronaut to lose a close family member while in space. If you were on a space mission, would you want to be notified of a death in your family, or would you prefer that you be notified once you returned to Earth?
Q2 - Memory: Can you remember what got for Christmas last year? Well, according to a new survey, half of British men cannot remember what was under their Christmas tree. A 2005 Canadian study was the first to systematically mark the onset of "childhood amnesia" in children rather than adults. The research shows that by our tenth birthday our early pre-school memories have receded into an inaccessible past. What is the earliest verifiable autobiographical memory you can commit to?
Q3 - Strip Clubs: Do you think strip clubs (the ones where the ladies dance for the men) debase women, men, or both?
Q4 - Hold It: This one's an oldie but goodie here on the For For Friday. Right now, from where you're sitting, locate a clock or watch and hold your breath for as long as possible. Okay, now tell the rest of us for how long you were able to hold your breath? (FYI: The last time I asked this question--on May 20, 2004--Kim and Sya held theirs for one (1) minute, Dave and AC went for 45 seconds, I lasted 28, and seven people chose not to even try.)
December 14, 2007
FOUR FOR FRIDAY
Q1 - Two Birds with One Stone: What two daily, weekly, monthly, seasonal or annual chores would you like to combine into one chore (for instance, cooking dinner and taking out the garbage would be accomplished by just doing one or the other. Likewise, changing the baby's diapers and doing laundry OR showering and shaving--do one and the other happens without you even lifting a finger)?
Q2 - Squeamish: What is one thing that makes you absolutely squeamish?
Q3 - Effort: Juma Ikangaa, a world-class marathon runner from Tanzania, once said, "The will to win means nothing without the will to prepare." Do you agree?
Q4 - College: If you went to college, which turned out to be more beneficial to you today: the social experiences in which you participated or the academic training?
December 7, 2007
FOUR FOR FRIDAY
Q1 - Holy Crap!: What would you do if you saw someone who looked exactly like you? Would you approach them and attempt to have a conversation, snap a picture if you could get away with it, or just run like hell?
Q2 - Dreams: According to many sources, with a little training and discipline, it is entirely possible to control your dreams. Would you want to be able to control what you dream about when you are asleep, and if so, what are some of the things you think you'd choose to dream about?
Q3 - Pay Phones: After years of seeing its public pay-phone business migrate to cell phones, AT&T said earlier this week it will phase out its pay phones in 13 states by the end of 2008. While AT&T's decision doesn't mean the end of the pay phone--Verizon, one of the nation's largest pay phone providers says it is still committed to the pay phone business--public phones are becoming more difficult to find. When was the last time you used a public pay phone, and are you concerned that pay phones may eventually disappear altogether?
Q4 - Lingerie-clad Models: In Carmel, Indiana, some residents are demanding City Hall do something about the local Victoria's Secret window display. Parents are concerned that Victoria's Secret goes too far with its public-facing displays, and that local children are being made vulnerable to inappropriate images. Do you feel stores like Victoria's Secret should tone it down a bit, or is how they choose to entice shoppers into their store okay as is?
December 3, 2007
RECENT CONVERSATION #6
IM conversation from last Friday afternoon between Stuart Lisonbee and yours truly (the subject matter of this chat relates to the Flying Spaghetti Monster [FSM], which can be found via the "Watching Over You" link in the left hand column here on my blog--immediately under the By The Numbers header):
12:40:55 Stu Lisonbee: Oh man...
12:41:00 Mikal Belicove: ?
12:41:14 Stu Lisonbee: I finally got to read the Open Letter to the Kansas School Board.
12:41:24 Mikal Belicove: LOL - Great stuff, huh :-)
12:41:34 Stu Lisonbee: I'm nearly puking it's so good!
12:41:40 Stu Lisonbee: I love it.
12:41:55 Mikal Belicove: Spaghetti Monster Rules!
12:42:19 Stu Lisonbee: The beauty is, it all makes perfect sense.
12:42:27 Mikal Belicove: To me too!
12:43:30 Stu Lisonbee: My favorite part is how they choose not to explain the details of why you must wear a pirate outfit, instead shortening it to, "The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we donít."
12:44:17 Mikal Belicove: LOL... I know. It's a beautiful thing.
Shortly thereafter, received via email:
From: Stuart Lisonbee
Date: November 30, 2007 15:42:17
To: Mikal Belicove, Meadow Lisonbee, Mconnelly
Subject: Leaving the Church of FSM
Hello Friends and FSM Believers,
Unfortunately, I believe I may have made the decision to convert to FSM a bit hastily. I wrote the following letter the the FSM leader, which I believe best states my feelings regarding the matter, explaining why I am leaving:
Hello Leader of the Church of FSM,
I am very concerned. I was first introduced to FSM when a converted Jewish friend of mine placed a link to your site on his blog. I read the ìOpen Letter to the Kansas School Board.î
I must say, it was as if my eyes were opening for the first time after a 33 year-long sleep! I instantly searched for how to join your church, and in a made-up ceremony from my bathtub with several 18-year old girls that I converted on a 3-hour FSM mission, baptized myself into your church. The ceremony required that we all get naked, slather each other in spaghetti sauce, and then lick each otherís bodies clean.
And yes, it was heavenly. At that point, I was SURE I was in the one true church!
But then later on, I had strange feelings. After the ceremony was done, something accidently happened (I wonít say what) and I felt a strong sense of guilt afterwards.
Had I made the wrong decision?
This caused me to look into FSM a little more. What did I find? Several contradictions that simply cannot be settled in my mind:
If this is the one true church, why would my god cause me to feel guilt for pleasing myself in his honor? What kind of all-powerful god, who can create all things, would allow me to suffer sicknesses and feelings of sadness? To test the mercy of the FSM, I tortured a lab rat I obtained from the science labs of my local university. For three hours I tortured the rat. It was clear the animal was in excruciating pain, and yet the FSM did nothing to save this poor beast!
My conclusion? YOU HAVE LIED TO ME!
Why would you mislead me like this? May you burn in whatever place is your equivalent of hell forever and ever! You are surely the pure spawn of evil! I hate you and I hate your Flying Spaghetti Monster! If your god ever dares show itself to me, I shall throw it in the microwave and set the cook time to ETERNITY!
Good day, Sir. I shall here forth pray for your soul to whatever god shall listen, but certainly not to the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Sincerely,
Stuart
PS: If you find any part of this letter satirical, I assure you it is pure coincidence.
To learn more, visit the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and read Open Letter to the Kansas School Board.
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