Happy Birthday to the Creator of The Mommy Contract
Today is my Mother's birthday. Happy Birthday, Mom!
As many of our Mothers are, mine's a survivor, and on so many different levels. From running a 14-room B&B almost single-handedly and raising three kids virtually all on her own, to living under the rule of a husband who--for almost 20-years--was at his best a royal pain the you-know-what to live with, my Mother has not only persevered, she has thrived.
From as far back as I can remember, she's told me that all the things I marvel at about her are really no big deal... she says it's all spelled out in the "Mommy Contract."
According to my Mother, the Mommy Contract spells out exactly what a Mommy can and must do in order to raise a well-rounded son. Over the years I've come to learn that most of the Mommy Contract's clauses and amendments are written in a language that only Mommies can understand, and that the words are written in tiny print.
For example, in very the same paragraph where it says that Mothers have the right to tell their children what to do "just because they say so," (sound familiar to anyone?) it also clearly states that Mommies have an obligation to love their children under any and all circumstances, even if they do really stupid things like push and prod their Mothers to the point where Mothers have no choice but to drag their sons by the arm, kicking and screaming along the way, out of public places like, oh I dunno, say restaurants, malls, beauty salons, supermarkets, and department stores.
In the same section of the Mommy Contract where it says Mothers have the right to make sure little boys clean their rooms, eat their peas, and take out the trash just because they say so, it also clearly states that the Mommy is obligated to love their sons unconditionally, no matter how many utterly stupid and mind-boggling decisions they may make, like, oh I dunno, things like driving two-wheeled motorized vehicles while in college without a license, or getting drunk and trying to impress college girls by telling them your Mother runs the Waldorf Astoria (as opposed to single-handedly running a 14-room B&B).
Yes, it's all clearly laid out in the small print in the Mommy Contract. Other clauses include:
- Always remind your son to tell airline pilots to "drive safely," even if in this post-9/11 world we live in today, saying so by sticking your head in the cockpit of a commercial airliner could get you kicked off the plane.
- Mommies are allowed to gossip, you cannot.
- Mommies can tell little white lies to protect little boys and grown mens' feelings; little boys, teenagers, and grown men can not tell little white lies to their Mothers, ever.
- Mommies are allowed to eat as many peanut M&M's as they want; their sons may not, especially if attempting to do so involves mooching off their Mother's hidden stash.
- Mommies are allowed to change their minds about anything at any given point in time, no questions asked; little boys, teenagers, and grown men may do the same, but it's expected that they'll check with the Mommy first.
- Mommies are allowed to drive automobiles at whatever speed they wish, even if it scare the bejesus out of their son's friends who just so happen to be sitting in the back seat of the rental car the Mother is driving; son's on the other hand must adhere to their Mother's rules--despite how antiquated they may be--whenever she's a passenger in their car.
As I'm sure you can tell, the list of clauses and amendments to the Mommy Contract is never ending. In fact, you should feel free to add your own by using the "Comments" link below--which by the way seems to be temporarily broken, but I hope to have that fixed by the end of the day.
To my Mommy, whose birthday is today, and whom I love very much, thank you for signing the Mommy Contract. No one could ever accuse you--as far I'm concerned--of breaching any part of the agreement. You are my hero on so many different levels. Keep on fighting the good fight, and again... Happy Birthday!
(Originally posted on Feb. 23, 2006)
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Four For Friday for Oct. 21, 2011
Q1 - Bullying: Psychologist Phil McGraw recently said on his television show "Dr. Phil" that if your child witnesses another child bullying someone and doesn't do anything about, s/he is just as wrong as the bully. Do you agree?
Q2 - Jam Band: If you could jam with any band in the world during a standing room only concert in Wembly Stadium, what band would it be which instrument would you play?
Q3 - Your DNA: The 3rd Circuit Court of Appeals recently ruled that police can collect DNA samples from those who have been arrested but not convicted of crimes, saying that people who have been arrested have "a diminished expectation of privacy in their identities." Do you think local or federal authorities should be able to take DNA samples from people who have been arrested but not tried or convicted of anything?
Q4 - Internet Access: The end of the Internet comes not with a bang or a procession of four lolcats of the apocalypse, but just with two blinking lights on a modem. At least that's how it came for Andre Vrignaud, a 39-year-old gaming consultant in Seattle, when Comcast shut him off from the Internet for using too much data. Vrignaud, it seems, committed the foul of using more than 250 GB of data on Comcast two months in a row, triggering the company's overage policy that results in a year-long ban from using its services. Do you think Internet access is a human right?
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Four For Friday for July 15, 2011
Q1 - Signature Item: If you were to open your own restaurant, what would be the 'signature' item on your menu?
Q2 - Start-up: If you could choose anyone to start a business with, who would you choose and why?
Q3 - Labor Statistics: How many full- or part-time workers do you feel you do the work of?
Q4 - Harry Potter: Harry Potter, the series of fantasy novels written by the J. K. Rowling, chronicles the adventures of adolescent wizard Harry Potter and his best friends Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, all of whom are students at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Since the release of the first book in June of 1997, the series has gained immense popularity, critical acclaim and commercial success worldwide, including via the big screen. How many of the Harry Potter books have you read and do you plan on seeing the final Harry Potter movie, which debuted this weekend at movie theaters nationwide?
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Four For Friday for March 4, 2011
Q1 - Economy: The unemployment rate in the U.S. dropped slightly (by 1/10th of a point) to 8.9 percent in February, the Labor Department reported today. What do you feel is needed to stimulate our longterm economy?
Q2 - Rubber Stamp: Imagine for a moment that your hand has been replaced by a rubber stamp. What does it say?
Q3 - 90 Minutes: If you could spend 90 minutes with any living famous person, not because of their fame or good looks but because you truly admire them, whom would you choose?
Q4 - Location: Where would you like to retire?
January 28, 2011
Four For Friday for January 28, 2011
Q1 - Life: Talking about yours for a moment (i.e., the fact that you're among the living)... Do you think of life as a right or privilege, and how does your answer impact the way you live your life?
Q2 - Unexplained: Incidents of mass animal deaths have been reported in the U.S. and around the world in the past two months. Thousands of dead birds fell from the sky in Arkansas on New Year's Eve, following a massive fish kill just 100 miles away days earlier. In the week following, other mass bird deaths were reported in nearby Louisiana and Kentucky. Birds were also reported to fall dead from the sky in Italy and Sweden, and more recently similar incidents have been reported in California and Alabama. Mass fish kills have also been reported in Chicago, Maryland, Brazil and New Zealand, along with 40,000 dead crabs that washed ashore on England beaches. Are you concerned about these incidents? What do you think is causing them?
Q3 - College: According to the authors of the new book, Academically Adrift: Limited Learning on College Campuses, 45 percent of college students show no significant improvement in the key measures of critical thinking, complex reasoning and writing by the end of their sophomore years, while after four years, 36 percent of students do not demonstrate significant improvement. Do you feel college improved your critical thinking, complex reasoning and writing? If not, what did?
Q4 - Exercise: Do you have a regular exercise routine? If not, what routine runs thru your head as being something you think or wish you could go do on a regular basis?
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Four For Friday
Q1 - Protection: Back in August, police officers raiding a marijuana farm in western Canada were shocked to find nearly a half-dozen bears guarding the crop. If you could train a grizzly bear to guard something of yours (something aside from your family or another loved one), what would you want guarded.
Q2 - Compromise: Once upon a time, it was considered a good thing when a President from one political party and Congressional leaders from another reached a compromise agreement on major issues like taxes and aiding the unemployed. But when that happened this week, all hell broke loose, with many from the President's own party feeling betrayed and threatening full revolt. Even some member of the other party are unhappy with a package that is loaded with their favorite dish, tax cuts. Have you been following this issue, and if you have... what's your opinion about the compromise?
Q2 - Recline: On a recent flight from Los Angeles to Denver, Brian Dougal did what many of us have done... he clicked the button on his armrest and leaned back. Upon doing so, however, the passenger behind him -- identified in a criminal complaint filed in the U.S. District Court of Colorado as Tomislav Zelenovic -- became so infuriated with the invasion of his space that he assaulted Dougal, which of course resulted in Zelenovic's immediate arrest once the plan landed in Denver. Reclining seats on airplanes: Are they a privilege or a right?
Q4 - Leak: WikiLeaks, the organization that publishes submissions of otherwise unavailable documents from anonymous news sources and leaks online, now boasts more than 1,100,000 Facebook fans. Have you ever visited Wikileaks.org? If not, why? If you have visited the website, were you surprised or underwhelmed by what you found?
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Helping Greg Craven 'Move it Along'
Order your copy of What's the Worst That Could Happen?: A Rational Response to the Climate Change Debate
September 17, 2010
Four For Friday for Sept 17
Q1 - Warning: If you came with a "Warning" label, what would it say?
Q2 - Birthday: What was the last birthday gift you purchased and who did you give it to?
Q3 - Cheating: Earlier this week, New York Yankees baseball player Derek Jeter created controversy in a game against Tampa Bay when he faked being hit by a pitch. Television replays showed the ball had hit the baseball bat, not Jeter's body, yet Jeter fained being hit by the ball and was rewarded by the plate umpire with a free pass to first base. Moments later, Jeter scored on a home run by Curtis Granderson but the Yankees lost, 4-3. Do you think what Derek Jeter did -- faking that he was hit by the pitch so he could be awarded first base -- should be considered cheating, or because the umpire made the call himself, Jeter's in the clear?
Q4 - Work: Thinking about your current job for a moment, if your boss told you had to focus 100 percent of your time for the next week on one aspect of what you currently do on a daily basis (e.g, answering the phone, writing reports, attending meetings, writing email messages, designing in PhotoShop, stuffing envelopes, etc.), what would you choose to do (aside from quit)?
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Four For Friday for Aug 20
Q1 - Stop and Count: How many cosmetics or personal care products do you use over the course of an average day?
Q2 - Deeds: What percentage of good deeds do you feel you do out of generosity versus the ones you do out of the avoidance of guilt?
Q3 - Find Me: Facebook launched a location-based check-in tool this week called Places. Similar to Foursquare, Facebook Places allows you to share where you are, find out where your friends are and discover new places. Would you want your friends and others on Facebook to know where you are?
Q4 - Happiness: A couple of years ago I asked "How do you define happiness?" Mixing it up a bit, what do you believe is the secret to your happiness?
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Four For Friday for July 23
Q1 - Checkout: When you're making your way to the checkout lanes, does the person working the cash register have any impact on your decision of which lane you choose?
Q2 - Sandwiches: Do you prefer yours cut in half or served whole? What about hamburgers or chicken sandwiches?
Q3 - Facebook: As of this week, 500 million people were actively using Facebook to "stay connected with their friends and the people around them." How has Facebook changed or impacted your life?
Q4 - Tweet: If you could send President Obama a Twitter message that's guaranteed to be personally read and responded to, what would send him (remember, tweets need to be 140 characters or less)?
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Four For Friday for July 2, 2010
Q1 - Wages & Work: In California, nearly 200,000 state employees could see their pay rate plunge to the minimum wage rate of $7.25 an hour if the state controller follow orders from Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's office. In a letter to the state controller, Schwarzenegger's administration ordered the controller's department to reduce the wages of state workers unless a budget is reached soon. If your employer cut everyone's wages -- for just one or two weeks -- to the minimum wage, would you continue going to work?
Q2 - Sense of Self: If you suffered from amnesia, do you think you could reconstruct your sense of self from your social media profiles and feeds (in other words, would you recognize that person)?
Q3 - Gas Talk: When you're getting gas for your car, do you talk to the other people getting gas for theirs? What about talking on your cell phone... do you ever do that while getting gas?
Q4 - Fashion Trends: Name at least one fashion trend you were once really jazzed about but aren't into anymore?
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Four For Friday - the May 7th Edition
Q1 - Apprehension: Earlier this week, during a game against the St. Louis Cardinals, a towel-waving Philadelphia Phillies baseball fan gained access to the field where he eluded security while running in circles in the outfield. After just 30 seconds of being on the field, the fan was subdued by a Philadelphia police officer who used a Taser stun gun to bring him down. While many people question the use of a stun gun to bring down a prankster, Major League Baseball players have said it's an appropriate action, because they fear for their safety. What do you think... should stun guns be used to stop the occasional jokester, or should fans entering the field of play during games will be apprehended by team security as they always have (by tackle)?
Q2 - Loans: In Long Beach, California, the City Council unanimously voted to loan the local Cal Worthington Ford dealership $600,000 so it could keep its doors open and 120 local residents employed. According to news reports, the dealership generates $1.8 million in tax revenue each year and plans to use the loan to finance its expansion plans. Do you think cities or municipalities should lend money to local businesses as they've done in Long Beach, California?
Q3 - Summer 2010 Movies: Which of the following summer 2010 movies are you most interested in seeing (either in the theatre or on DVD)... Robin Hood (opens May 14); Shrek 4 Forever After (opens May 21); Prince of Persia The Sands of Time (opens May 28); Sex and the City 2 (opens May 28); Killers (opens June 4); Marmaduke (opens June 4); Splice (opens June 4); Get Him to the Greek (opens June 11); Karate Kid (opens June 11); The A Team (opens June 11); Jonah Hex (opens June 18); Toy Story 3 (opens June 18); Grown Up (opens June 25); Twilight 3 Eclipse (opens June 30); Knight and Day (opens July 2); Leaves of Grass (opens July 2); Despicable Me (opens July 9); Inception (opens July 16); The Sorcerer's Apprentice (opens July 16); Salt (opens July 23); Cats and Dogs 2 (open July 30); Get Low (opens July 30); I Love You Philip Morris (opens July 30); Little Fockers (opens July 30); The Other Guys (opens August 6); Eat Pray Love (opens August 13).
Q4 - Humor: On the heels of its decision to censor an episode of "South Park" that included a depiction of the prophet Muhammad, Comedy Central said this week it has a cartoon series about Jesus Christ in the works (apparently, "JC" depicts Christ as a regular guy who moves to New York City to escape his father's enormous shadow). Are you offended by the very notion of this new cartoon series (enough so that you wouldn't watch), or could you care less and/or are actually looking forward to watching "JC" when it airs later this year?
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Four For Friday for April 30, 2010
Q1 - Cooking: Have you ever created a meal you thought would be great but upon tasting it realized otherwise? What did you make and what went wrong, and have you attempted to make the same meal since?
Q2 - Green: Being green's expensive! If money was not an issue, how far would you choose to go in making your life green?
Q3 - Drilling: Does the recent oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico affect how you feel about offshore drilling?
Q4 - Censorship: About seven in ten Americans (70%) disagree with the recent Comedy Central decision to censor part of a South Park episode deemed offensive to some Muslims, a new Zogby survey finds. The decision followed a warning that the series' creators could be murdered because of their depiction of Muhammad. Generally speaking, do you agree or disagree with Comedy Central's decision to censor parts of a South Park episode deemed offensive to some Muslims?
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Four For Friday for April 23
Q1 - Parents: What's the most important thing you learned from your parents that you hope to pass along to your children or young people you mentor?
Q2 - Traffic: Have you ever diverted your route because of something you heard on a radio or television traffic report?
Q3 - Groceries: Do you make a grocery shopping list as you run out of items or notice you're running low, or do you make a list right before leaving to go to the grocery store?
Q4 - Dinner: What did you have for dinner last night and was it fulfilling? If not fulfilling did it at least hold some nutritional value?
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Four For Friday For Friday April 16
Q1 - Pajamas: How often do you spend an entire day during the weekend in your pajamas? And if you do, how do you view that day... does spending it in your pajamas mean it was a "good" day or a "wasted" day?
Q2 - Restaurants: Name three restaurants you've always wanted to try.
Q3 - Mail: Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night may stay the nation's letter carriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds, but e-mail and the U.S. recession may stop their Saturday deliveries. Under a plan currently being considered, the U.S. Postal Service would cut Saturday delivery beginning in 2011. How do you feel about the possibility of the Postal Service ending Saturday deliveries?
Q4 - Toyota: Attitudes toward the safety of Toyota vehicles have remained consistent among both Toyota owners and the general public over the past month, a recent Zogby Interactive poll of U.S. adults finds. A majority of both Toyota owners and the general public continue to believe Toyota vehicles are equally or more safe than other vehicles. However, while a majority of Toyota owners say they are very or somewhat satisfied with the way Toyota management has handled the safety and recall crisis, the general public does not feel the same. If you were in the market to buy a car, would you seriously consider buying a new Toyota?
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Glenn Beck on the Attack
I think you'll agree... With this attack, Glenn Beck has finally crossed the line:
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Four For Friday - Test Taster Edition
Q1 - Haircut: When do you make an appointment for your next haircut... a day or two beforehand, before you leave the barbershop or salon, or never because walk-ins are always welcome where you get a haircut?
Q2 - Purchases: Do you believe where you buy something is just as important as what you buy?
Q3 - Tasting: If you could be a test taster of anything, what would it be?
Q4 - Black Box: In the fallout of Toyota's automotive recall, the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration is considering requiring black box data recorders for all new vehicles sold in the United States. Advocates of the idea say the black boxes, which are linked to the deployment of airbags, are able to note information like the speed of your car, whether you were applying the brakes, and other facts that can be downloaded and analyzed. Opponents say the measure is a violation of our privacy, and that black boxes would like be used for more than just accident analysis and investigation. What do you think?
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Four For Friday for March 5, Two Thousand-ten
Q1 - Dressing Room: When you try on clothes at a store and choose not to buy them, do you return the items to where you found them or leave them in the dressing room (or just outside the dressing room) for someone else to deal with?
Q2 - Cut or Leave: Grappling with a growing budget deficit and an endangered credit rating, a divided Los Angeles City Council voted last month to eliminate 4,000 municipal jobs by July 1. City Administrative Officer Miguel Santana estimated the move would save the City of Los Angeles about $260 million this fiscal year and next. Earlier , Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa declared that layoffs could be minimized if labor unions agree to pay cuts. "If all city employees agreed to a 5 percent pay cut, we could save $150 million," he said. "If civilian employees, firefighters and police officers agreed to a 15 percent pay cut, we could save $450 million." Would you take a 15% cut in pay to keep your current job or save your co-workers' jobs?
Q3 - Say It: How do you pronounce "2010"... Twenty-ten, Two Thousand and Ten, Oh-ten?
Q4 - China vs. Terrorism: More than twice as many U.S. adults (58%) say that debt owed to China is a more serious threat to the long-term security and well-being of the U.S. than is terrorism from radical Islamic terrorists (27%). Interestingly, for those of you who like to politicize everything, Interestingly there was little variation by party identification with a majority of Democrats, Republicans and independents all agreeing that the debt owed by the United States to China poses the greater threat. What do you think... does debt owed to China pose a more serious threat to the long-term security and well-being of the U.S. than is terrorism from radical Islamic terrorists?
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Four For Friday - With Video
Q1 - Punch Buggy: About 50 years ago, a single punch launched a game we all know and either love or hate: Punch Buggy (also called punch bug or slug bug). After an exhaustive search, the folks at Volkswagen claim to have found the game's inventor, Sluggy Patterson (see video below). Have you ever played Punch Buggy? Regardless of whether you have or not, do you enjoy car games like Punch Buggy, and if you do, what car game is your favorite?
Q2 - Hometown: On Facebook, all members are asked to list a Hometown. When you're asked online to fill in a location for Hometown, do you put the town where you grew up or where you live? Is your response different if someone asks you in person about your Hometown?
Q3 - State of the Union: According to Article II, Section 3 of the U.S. Constitution, the President of the United States "...shall from time to time give to Congress information of the State of the Union and recommend to their Consideration such measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient." Nearly every President since Dr. Thomas Woodrow Wilson has made the State of the Union report in the form of a speech delivered personally before a joint session of Congress. Did you watch President Barack Hussein Obama II's speech on Wednesday evening? If so, what did you think?
Q4 - iPad: Apple unveiled the iPad earlier this week, a 0.5 inches thick device for browsing the web, reading and sending email, looking at photos, watching videos, listening to music, playing games, reading e-books and much more. According to Apple co-founder & CEO Steve Jobs, the iPad is the company's "...most advanced technology in a magical and revolutionary device at an unbelievable price." Do you see a "need" for the iPad in your business or personal life? Do you want one?
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Four For Friday - The Haiti Edition
Q1 - Tourism: Despite numerous steps to assist with the earthquake relief efforts in Haiti -- including a $1,000,000 donation; donating 100 percent of its net revenue from visits to Haiti; and using its vessels to drop off food, water, lounge chairs and beach furniture -- Royal Caribbean cruise line has come under heavy fire for making a scheduled stop at a private resort in Labadee, Haiti, where it maintains a private beach approximately 60 miles from the earthquake-ravaged city of Port-au-Prince. Do you think Royal Caribbean is right to continue visiting Labadee, Haiti during this period of extreme hardship, or should they divert their ships and go elsewhere?
Image via Wikipedia
Q3 - Volunteers: Thousands of aid workers and volunteers from all over the world have flocked to Haiti to assist with earthquake relief efforts. If you could take a week off from work with pay and travel to Haiti to assist with relief efforts, would you?
Q4 - Descent: Approximately 2,000,000 Haitians currently live in the United States and Canada combined. Do you personally know anyone of Haitian descent?
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